Christianity

3/40 Days: Thinking about my purpose

Everyone has at least one driving force in their life, you know, the reason you do what you do. I’ve been trying to think objectively about what’s driving my life. On a day to day basis, it often comes down to deadlines: I choose what to work on based on what’s “due” next. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, as long as I’m being sensible when agreeing to due dates.

On a larger scale, it’s a bit more complex. The book mentions guilt, resentment and anger, fear, materialism, and the need for approval as things that drive many people. I don’t really do guilt or resentment and anger much, and fear comes in only when I’ve over-committed myself.

Materialism? That one gives me pause. On the one hand, I’m definitely devoting most of my time right now to making money, but I don’t feel like it’s the promised “stuff” that’s driving me. What I really want out of it is freedom to spend my time however I want, and as far as I can tell, you either have to have good savings or good passive income to do that. Yes, I do want that touring bike, but that’s so I can spend my time touring rather than working (though maybe I should satisfy myself with my road bike to be able to afford the time off…). I don’t feel like I’m looking for “money as security,” just “money as time freedom.”

Approval strikes a chord, though. I really hate saying no to people I can actually help, particularly in my work. I want people to like me, to think I’m cool or helpful or kind. This is probably a major factor in my tendency to over-schedule, which of course results in providing worse service and then feeling pressure to work too much to keep people happy. Arg.

All of this stuff about “drivers” comes back to the idea of purpose being in control. “Knowing your purpose simplifies your life. It defines what you do and what you don’t do,” says the author. Well, I can see how that’s true, but I come back to my ever-present tension between inspirational ideas and the pragmatic reality of my day-to-day work decisions. If I understand what God has in mind for me, how do I decide which clients to take? Which projects to work on today and which ones to schedule out a bit? Or maybe I should be doing something entirely different with my skills and interests? It just all seems so theoretical.

And here’s a quote that’s almost painful to my dabbling, flitting self:

If you want your life to have impact, focus it! Stop dabbling. Stop trying to do it all. Do less. Prune away even good activities and do only that which matters most.

I agree. In theory. But that just makes me want to wrap my arms around my knees and start rocking and humming.

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