I’ve been kind of quiet lately because I’ve been processing. There’s so much to say and explain, and the more I think about writing it all out, the more overwhelming it seems. Those of you who have read this chronicle for a long time will know that my church, The Experience, has had retreats around this time of year for the last couple of years. The first year, 2004, was very important for me personally because the retreat is when Daniel and I actually “jumped in” to The Experience and committed. That was a big step, and the retreat was difficult and exciting in itself. Last year, I had a different kind of experience at the retreat, but it’s one that continues to shape me, and actually played pretty heavily into how my retreat experience went this year.
This year, for me, was more like the first year. There were a lot more people, and less structure, but the topics and goals were somewhat similar. So was the broken up self I returned home with. I’m really not sure why the events that are amazing and uplifting for others are exhausting and distressing for me, but it sure seems that way some times. Actually, I do have some idea why that’s the case. It’s because the things that excite others are the things I lack and want.
This year we were talking about our “testiomonies” again. We did this the first year, too. Our testimonies are just stories, of course, stories of our relationship with God and how we’ve seen God. It was very cool because several people shared great stories—not just the ones you hear regularly about how someone had a horrible life, found God, and all is well, but also some where coping skills at work are transformed, or someone finds out that it’s okay to be human. But then it all makes me feel like a horrible fraud, too, because here I am, one of the core members of a new church, a firm believer in Christianity, and I am afraid I don’t know God at all.
At least I want to now. In some years past, I sort of theoretically wanted to know God, but there was no real desire. I think God’s given me the desire now, but I’m waiting (very impatiently) for Him to fulfill it. I feel (knowing that this is probably inaccurate) like I am waiting for God to show up, and He’s just not. This isn’t a crisis of faith or anything; I do not doubt God’s existence or even his love for me (in my head). I just want to experience Him, and yet, here I am, feeling lonely and alone.
I talked to my pastor about this, and he had some good insights. One is that I might be too comfortable. My heart needs to know why I need Christ, and I think in part, it’s learning. I am so terribly lonely when I let myself get serious about it. But Brian suggested that I might benefit from being involved in something big, something I can’t do. Not necessarily a big project, just something that is clearly beyond me (like mentoring someone with behavioral issues). Something that could only be done with God’s help, not as a works thing but as a way of seeing the reality around me. So I’m thinking on this.
I really think a lot of my problem is that I’m so busy with day-to-day junk (but who isn’t?!) that I’m losing focus. I’ve thought for a while of doing a personal spiritual retreat, and maybe that’s something that should happen. How do other people maintain focus? Anyone want to give me some insight here?
I know how you feel. There are times in my life that I have felt God’s presence and even felt I have heard His voice. This is not one of those times… Whether it is my anger at Him for bringing me here, or if my depression is so deep that I don’t feel His presence, I’m not sure. I do feel lonely for my friends and my Friend.
Perhaps getting involved in something bigger and scarier than I want is also the ticket. The times I have felt and craved His presence is when I have been very involved in something scary and big (The Experience). And the times I feel alone are when I’m feeling comfortable…
My heart goes out to you. You’re plight sounds so familiar. So many years of that lonliness, reaching. Knowing the truth abstractly, but not really knowing Him who is the truth. You’ve seen my site, I don’t know if you figured out what did it for me.
Recieving, the Word, the person of the Word, His (zoe) life. I see taking on something inpossible may build your faith, but trying to know God by serving Him is like trying to fill a cup that is being poured.
The Word. The commands, precepts, judgments. The Word, getting to your heart, and changing you from there. Learning to listen, and speak to your Lord.
Look at Moses’ first talk with God. Then look at when Moses was with God in the tabernacle of meeting (before the real tabernacle). Note the difference in intimacy between the two conversations. The fist is awkward. The second, they are right with it.
But we never fully arrive. Its always a journey.
May God bless your jurney.
Hi,
Briefly my own story, then a comment on your blog. I left organised christianity some eight years ago, since I felt it did not work out – I could not resolve my inner truth and the fact that my life did not reflect ‘a virtuous christian life’. Today I am struggling to come back to the basics – I firmly believe that there is a God, and that He demonstrate His presence in different ways to different people – even to the extent that I believe that all religions are following different views, but of the same God. I found the Buddhist philosophy particularly valuable, since it provides very clear guidance on the development of a deeper spirituality. You may not appreciate my experience, but I would recommend that you delve at least just a little bit into the concepts of awareness and compassion – both of these are also core tenets of the christian practice.
My recommendation, on christian grounds, is that you locate books by Thomas Keating (Crisis of Faith, Crisis of Love) and Thomas Moore (Care of the Soul). Both these authors are devout Catholics – just hang in there before you hang up – but they do not promote dead dogma. Both these books are about a practical and working christian faith. They show us how God’s apparent deafness and uninvolvement with our lives’ details are indeed his very deep and commited involvement with our lives. Don’t look for the flashing lights, look for the small sparks of miracles in everyday life.
Please read these books (and others by the same authors) they provide a very clear picture of how we can serve God in the every day things. God is not only in the fireworks and earthquakes – indeed God is there also, but he is mostly in the small stuff – cleaning dishes, wiping the floor and driving off to work. This is where we should look for God, and this is where He will show Himself to us.
Do not, ever!, denigrate the common everyday events as non-God events. They as much God’s way of working with us, as the eathquakes and the miracles.
Phew! what a sermon! But really, God is in the small stuff – look for Him there and you will find a richness of His mercy that transcends the earthquake stuff.
God bless!
nelis
Thank you very much, nelis, for your comment and your recommendations. I’m reading an excellent book right now called “The Irresistible Revolution“—you might like it, too. It squarely addresses the mismatch between most “implementations” of Christanity and the gospel of Jesus Christ. Very interesting.
I will try to read the books you recommended soon!